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I remember having my firstborn daughter and being so mesmerized by what a beautiful little person she was. Every time I looked at her, I couldn’t help but smile and be so thankful for her. I imagined all that she would become.
I remember when my husband and I first started dating. I would be so excited when he called me and I would be so expressional in our conversations. I looked forward to each time we would see each other. I imagined a life filled with romance and fulfilled dreams with him.
I now look at my 14 year old firstborn daughter and sometimes I’m not too excited to see her. When our newborn wakes up, we all smile and exclaim, “Look who’s awake!” When my 14 year old wakes, we may blandly acknowledge, “Man, you were asleep for a long time.”
I’ve now been with my husband for 17 years, and am I still excited to see him when he walks in the door? Do I try to put forth my best foot to impress him still, or do I let go of all dignity and act like he’s an afterthought to my day?
I’ve been thinking lately: When does it stop? At what age did I quit feeling excited to see my daughter? When did I stop looking at her and whispering a quiet Thank You to the Lord? When did I start acting nicer to people I had only known for months than I acted toward my spouse who has committed his life to me? When did it stop?
Here’s the deal. We idealize people. We idealize who our baby is and what they will be. We idealize who our spouse is and all that they will be for us. Then life happens. We realize our perfect little baby is not a perfect person after all. We realize our romantic spouse is actually a flawed human being who may never be all we thought they were when we first met them. So we change how we view them and how we treat them.
The problem isn’t who they are. They were always who they are. The problem is how we idealized our airbrushed picture of who we created them to be in our mind. The truth is that nobody is as perfect as we once made our child or spouse be in our mind. But once we see the flaws in our family, we begin to do the same stupid thing with the strangers around us. We create them to be the perfect spouse in our mind or the perfect kid in our mind. Then we do really stupid stuff like imagine, “If I was with them, life would be so much better.”
Oh, I’m sure it would be better. For what? A few months? And then the very same thing would bring us to our senses. Reality. Reality would show us over time all their flaws, all their shortcomings, and all the ways they will never fulfill us.
The question is: Will we spend all our time daydreaming about the fantasy life we have created in our mind, or will we roll our sleeves up and work our butts off to create the most beautiful reality we possibly can?
But he’s not ______. And she’s not _______. And he doesn’t ________. And I can’t stand it when she _______. Fill in your blanks. You can change the child you are talking about and you can change the spouse you are talking about. But the truth is that there will always be something that you will be able to fill those blanks with. It may take time for the novelty to wear off, but you will find them and you will fill them in.
C.S. Lewis said, “When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love them.” The problem is not the person we are having a hard time showing our love to. The problem is us giving up on them because they are human beings with human flaws. The problem is that our behavior toward them is always being filtered by our disappointments in them.
What if we began behaving as if we loved them? What if we began looking at them like they were acceptable and lovable in their current condition? What if we began honoring their noble qualities and stopped zeroing in on their shortcomings? What if we talked to them like they were specially created just for us? What if we thought of what we could do to support, encourage, and bring out the beautiful treasure we once saw in them?
What would happen? We would presently come to love them and they us.
Father God, I don’t know when the admiration for my children or my spouse left me, but I want to choose to get it back. Please help me not forget how important they are to me and that they are a direct gift to me from You. Maybe it’s not about what they are doing for me, but maybe it’s about what I can do for them. Please help me remember that they are flawed humans, but that there is a treasure inside of them just like there is in me. Please help me to bring out all the beautiful treasures in them instead of piling the dirt of my disapproval and disappointment over them. Please help me see my family the way you see them and choose to behave as if I loved them until I don’t even realize the day has come when I find out that I really presently do.