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I was recently sitting in the living room of a dear friend who also had another one of her friends visiting her. She had just gone through a hard time and the other lady and I were there to support her. As we chatted along, like women do, the conversation turned to the topic of their mothers. My one close friend was deeply hurt because her mother had not only not supported her in her time of need but had also been quite rude. The other lady relayed to us about a time her mother had not been there for her in a time of great need and how her relationship with her mother had never quite been the same as a result.
My heart was deeply moved for these women because they were grown women and yet they were still so let down by their mothers. Their mothers had not lived up to everything they had hoped a mother would be to them. I could relate because in my younger years there were many times I felt I had gotten the shaft from my parents and even felt unloved at times.
As a young woman, I read the Five Love Languages and that was huge for me. I understood that the way my mother communicated love to me may not be what I would hope, but she was showing it in her own way. On the other hand, my father did not reach out to me at all. He lived and lives one town over and never calls, never tries to contact me, never nurtures me like I think a father would.
As I got older, I learned about my parents’ histories. I learned how my mother’s father was a gambling addict who caused them to live in severe poverty and was so verbally abusive that I don’t know how my mom came out whole. I learned how my father grew up in such extreme deprivation and dysfunction that most have only read about. I realized that they are broken people. They were not loved right and as a result did not always love me right. They were given a lot of baggage that they had to work through on their own.
As I became a parent, I realized that I am not perfect. I have my own junk to work through and sometimes that causes me to love my kids imperfectly. Just like my parents did with me. My hope is that I will parent my kids 100 times better than my parents did with me, and that my kids will parent their kids 100 times better than I did with them!
People don’t give what they don’t have to give. My parents didn’t give me all the perfect parenting love that parents are “supposed” to give because it wasn’t in them to give. I hope that I can be gracious in forgiving them for their shortcomings as people, just as I hope my kids will one day forgive my shortcomings as a person and as a parent.
A very rare doll could be worth a million dollars. It could be so valuable that it should be treated with the utmost care and concern. If that doll ended up in the hands of a 4 year old, that doll would not be cared for like it was supposed to. It may get drug through the dirt and it may get some bumps and bruises. Does this change the fact that this was a very valuable doll? No. It just means that the caregiver was too immature to properly treasure it. My value as a person does not change by how well my parents cared for me. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Whether someone else recognized that or not does not change how beautiful and valuable I am – especially to Jesus who gave His life to get me in His family :-).
Isaiah 29:23
For when he sees his children [walking in the way of piety and virtue], the work of My hands in his midst, they will revere My name; they will revere the Holy One of Jacob and reverently fear the God of Israel.
This verse says that when a parent sees his child living virtuously and walking hand in hand with the Lord, it can cause the parent to worship the Lord. I will say something that everyone may not be able to swallow at first, but I truly believe it. I believe that sometimes we are not given to our parents because of what they will do for us, but because of what we can do for them. Love gives not because of what you can do for me, but because you are a person in need of love. And maybe my love can touch you in a way that no one else’s love could.
I remember one day standing in my in-laws dining room and my husband’s father said that he had learned more about being a father by watching how his sons father their children than he had ever known on his own. That was such a profound statement. I thought about how my own father had relished in his own selfishness in a way that caused him to never be there for me. And yet I have loved him, I have reached out to him, and I have offered him my love in spite of his neglect.
My prayer is that my focus is not on how my parents have not been there for me, but on how my walk with the Lord could cause them to rise and worship our Heavenly Father, the Holy One.
Father God, You are the only perfect parent out there. Some do a better job than others here on earth, but we are all going to make mistakes because we are human. I pray that You help me forgive my earthly parents for all the ways they were not there for me or directly hurt me. They are broken beings in need of Your healing just as I am a broken being in need of Your healing. They did not get it all right – not even close. But You do! I am so thankful that I get to know You and have You as my Father! Please help me not expect things from them they are really never going to give me. Please help me find my comfort, support, and love in You and through other believers that You place in my life. Please help me be as generous in forgiving my parents as You have been in forgiving me of my sins.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/books/