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My mother and I did not have a close relationship while I was in my teen years. Sometimes a person can love someone and still not have the knowledge of how to connect with them in a healthy way. My mother and I did not have many sit down, intimate conversations. One evening, though, we were alone in the living room talking about an important matter. I remember crying to her, telling her how I felt (which I never did). She replied to me by saying, “Oh, stop trying to get attention by shedding tears.” I felt extremely uncared about, which is obvious by the fact the memory is still so clear 15 years later.
In her book, Finding Your Purpose as a Mom, Donna Otto says this about your child’s feelings: Their feelings do not have to dictate their behavior, but their feelings are real. Never belittle a child’s feelings. Instead, acknowledge a child’s honest emotions and then try to help the child handle them.
A child can be totally wrong, but their feelings can be real. Any adult can do the same, for that matter! Before focusing on solving the problem, perhaps we as parents can at least acknowledge the very real feelings the child is feeling.
One particular time, I felt my pre-teen was totally wrong in how she felt wronged by me. However, before I explained my side of things, I said, “I think you are feeling really frustrated right now because you don’t want to be left out. I get that. I felt like that when I was your age, too.” By the end of the conversation she did see my side of things and it had a good resolution - just by me acknowledging how she felt to begin with.
Other times, I have not been so successful. My child has wanted to show me something important to them, and I have totally blown them off. My child has tried to tell me they did not understand something, I dismissed them without helping them and then saw them struggle later.
This idea goes into spiritual matters, as well. My pastor said a statement last week that brought tears to my eyes. He said that God is all powerful and all present. He is big enough to address the world’s biggest problems and still care about a child’s smallest prayer. Wow. How many times do we not ever think about praying with our child for a small need of theirs?
Sometimes I even pray with my child, but if I was honest I would tell you that I was half-hearted in my prayer. Kind of like: We are training for real prayer when you’re an adult but this really isn’t important enough to believe God will actually hear and answer this.
Jesus said:
Matthew 18:5
“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.”
Matthew 18:10
“Beware that you don’t look down on any of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels are always in the presence of my heavenly Father.”
Our children are very important people! Yes, they need to be accountable for their actions, but their feelings are not stupid. When we make a child feel welcome to come to us with how they feel, and we don’t look down on them, we are fulfilling Jesus’s exact commands to us concerning them.
Jesus, I am so sorry when I have looked down on my children for not having it all together! Sometimes I forget that they are kids. Please help me to welcome their feelings in my home and help relay to them how important to You they are. I can learn so much from their innocence and their trust in You. Please help me to listen before I instruct or move on.