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I am 7 months along in my pregnancy and I have learned that leg cramps are a pretty frequent occurrence. They usually happen in the middle of the night. While they only last a few minutes, it is excruciating pain.
Last week for the first time ever, I started getting a cramp in my foot while sitting at the dinner table with my family. I could sense that it was coming, so I closed my eyes and braced myself for the pain. The unbearable pain lasted a few minutes and then began to ease up. As I started to be able to breathe again, I was surprised to feel it coming back again – this time stronger! I braced myself for the pain and suffered through it for an even longer stint this time. It was horribly painful!! It started to ease up so I started to breathe peacefully again, and then it came back even stronger!
Did I mention this is my 5th child? I say that to say I had never experienced anything like this before in any pregnancy! This pain was so intense and would not leave for good. I began to cry because it just hurt so badly. My family was a captive audience as it happened a few more times and I sat there frozen in pain and tears. There was nothing anyone could do to stop the hurt, they just had to watch.
I recounted my painful experience with my husband the next day. My eyes were closed the whole time I was going through it, but I talked about how crazy the whole thing was! He then told me about a part of the fiasco that I had not known. He said that I should have seen my 8 and 4 year olds’ faces when I was in all that pain. He said to see the concern, care, and upset on their faces as they watched me go through it was so touching. He could see how much they cared about their mom and it was obvious that it hurt them so much to see me hurting like that. I then remembered that I had heard my 4 year old say during that time of cramping, “I wish God would make it stop for her.”
As my husband told me about how my pain had affected my children, I began to realize that this scenario happens in families all the time – just without the foot cramps. You would ask a mother: Do you love your children? And she would undeniably say yes. You would ask a father: Do you love your children? And he would go to his grave only ever declaring yes! But what I have seen is that these same parents who say they love their children will, through their choices and actions, cause their children’s other parent excruciating pain. They make choices and do things that almost freeze their spouse in hurt. Their spouse is in the midst of the family trying to cope with the pain caused to them, and the children are a captive audience to the hurt their parent is going through.
We can’t say that we love our kids with all our heart and then turn around and hurt their other parent so badly that we cripple their ability to be a whole parent because of all the brokenness we have caused. If we are tearing down our spouse with our words, our children are a witness to the pain we cause them. This is not loving our kids. If we make choices in secret that leave open wounds for our spouse to try to heal from, our kids are a witness to their walking wounded parent. They see them trying to live and heal at the same time trying to make it through the pain of betrayal, and this is cruel to put our kids through. They might not know every detail of what’s going on, but they are saying, “I wish God would make it stop for her.”
My advice is to not give God anything to have to make stop for your spouse. For the love of your kids, hold your tongue. For the love of your kids, use some self-control and put your family first. If you truly love your kids, don’t give your spouse wounds and pain to heal from that your children have to be a captive audience to in your home. If you love your kids, the most loving thing you can do as a parent is to love their other parent well. If you love your kids, live a life that builds up your spouse so much that they can’t help but be the most amazing parent your kids could ever have. This is what it means to love your kids.
Father God, I’m sorry for when I have caused my spouse pain and made it hard for them to be the parent they need to be. I know if they are dealing with pain caused by me, then they will not really be whole enough to be all You’ve called them to be as a parent. Please help me love the children You have trusted me with by loving my spouse very well. Please let me be a source of encouragement, healing, and building for my spouse. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit that gives me the power to live a life full of good choices for my entire family!