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Times have been good in my marriage and times have been bad. My husband and I have laughed together more times than I can count, and enjoyed countless hours together. We have had very dry seasons in our marriage, though. There have been times where I thought my heart was being ripped from my chest. There were times I laid in bed and cried and swore I would never get up again. There were days of silence and days of rage. There have been mountains in my marriage, but there have also been valleys I pray I never see again.
There was one particular time I was sitting up alone in the living room while my husband slept. I sat there thinking about the way my husband looked at me. When he looked at me there was no love in his eyes. He was tolerating our marriage, but he did not enjoy me. I know what eyes look like when they say, “I love you”. My husband’s eyes said, “I don’t even want to look at you”. I felt a deep emptiness and longing to be loved that was not being fulfilled. In the living room that night as I sat in the quietness with God, He directed me to the story of Leah.
I know the story of how Jacob loved Rachel. He worked 7 years for her father to marry her and then the father gave him her sister, Leah. I had always felt bad for Jacob, getting a wife he didn’t want! But that night, I saw the story through Leah’s eyes. She was the wife that Jacob didn’t want. She was the disappointment. She was the unloved let down. I know she knew what it was like to have a husband look at you with disappointment in his eyes.
I know many times I thought that if I could do enough good things and do just the right thing, I could make my husband see what a good wife I was. It maybe worked for a moment, but never won my husband’s heart completely. Leah thought she could do the same thing. She thought that if she gave Jacob children, then she would find favor with him and finally be loved.
Genesis 29:31-32
When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, he enabled her to have children, but Rachel could not conceive. So Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “The Lord has noticed my misery, and now my husband will love me.”
She honestly thought that giving her husband a son would cause him to love her. I thought giving my husband special things like this would work, too. But it didn’t. According to the next verse, it didn’t work for Leah either.
Genesis 29:33
She soon became pregnant again and gave birth to another son. She named him Simeon, for she said, “The Lord heard that I was unloved and has given me another son.”
She was still unloved after that first son, so I wonder what happens after the second son. Genesis 29:34 says: Then she became pregnant a third time and gave birth to another son. She named him Levi, for she said, “Surely this time my husband will feel affection for me, since I have given him three sons!”
Oh the pain of this woman! This is three pregnancies and three sons. This is years of trying and hoping that her husband would finally have affection for her. Even with her third one, she was just sure that now Jacob would look at her with love and approval in his eyes.
Something finally happened after that third child. Leah finally came to herself and said that even if her husband would not love her the way she had always hoped, she would embrace the love of someone much more important. We see the evidence of this when she had her fourth son. She was no longer dependent on her husband’s actions or approval of her to do what she was made to do.
Genesis 29:35
Once again Leah became pregnant and gave birth to another son. She named him Judah, for she said, “Now I will praise the Lord!” And then she stopped having children.
Now I will praise the Lord! Not when my husband does everything perfect. Not when my husband leads us as a godly leader. Not when my husband loves me the way I wish he would. Now. Now I will praise the Lord. No matter what he does or doesn’t do. I will praise the Lord right now where I am at. When I am having a good day. When I am having a horrible day. I will praise the Lord.
I read this verse this morning and it brought to mind the story I shared with you today. Psalm 42:11 - Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.
I shall yet praise Him. My Heavenly Father looks at me with love in His eyes, so I will praise Him. I won’t let myself stay discouraged - I will put my hope in my God. I’m not seeking my husband’s praise of me, I am seeking to praise the Lover of my soul.
Father God, You love me better than anyone else could. Please help me to not put my hope in a man. Please help me to put my hope in You. I praise You, God. I praise You for all that You’ve been to me, and all that You will be to me in the future. You are so good to me and I love You so much. You give me everything I need, and I am satisfied in You.