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America may be a more individualized culture than most any other culture on the planet. We love our personal space!! My husband and I just went to breakfast this morning where we got to choose our own table outside. Of course we chose the most secluded table away from most of the people on the patio – we wanted our privacy!
Privacy is a wonderful thing. In fact, I am very comfortable being alone and I enjoy solitude. However, it can get a little dangerous when this idea of personal space gets a little too private in our marriage. I read a beautiful reminder from author Gary Thomas this week who reminded me that in marriage we are one. Do we really get that? We are not just two individuals working together. We are one. My right hand doesn’t get mad when my left hand is full and can’t pick up the phone that’s ringing. It just steps up to the plate and does that task at hand because that’s what’s needed at the time.
On that same note, what I say is never hidden from my ears. Because I am one person, what my hands are doing is never hidden from my eyes. I obviously operate as one person. If I truly believe that the Bible is truth and it states that when a man and woman unite in marriage they become one, then I begin to see my marriage in a whole new way. Just as my body is one, my spirit is one with my spouse. This means that for the spirit of my marriage to be whole, there can be no allowance for hiding. Anything I do is open to my spouse knowing about it. Any part of my life, my spouse is more than welcome to be a part of.
What studies are finding now is that most spouses in a traditional marriage would not go out clubbing with the opposite sex. Most spouses would not take someone of the opposite sex out to dinner one week night while their spouse stayed home. However, because of the privacy our iphones and internet provide us, spouses are experiencing opportunities that are much more discreet and on the surface seemingly much less harmful. Social media, apps, and internet sites offer us private communication with others that we would never experience otherwise. Even texting, emails, and IM’s provide us with new opportunities for discreet conversations that we have never had in the history of our world.
I really don’t have a need for any part of my life to be separated from my spouse. Because I am one with him, he is welcome to see any part of my life. Not only does this hold me accountable for my own actions, it communicates to him that he can fully trust me and therefore brings a closeness that we would not otherwise have. Any part of my life that I would need to keep apart from him is going to be a detriment to my marriage and most likely detrimental to me personally. Fierce Marriage recently stated that “To fully know and fully love is the primary aim of marriage.” My love life with my spouse will never be full and complete without him fully knowing me. If I am regularly keeping part of my life separate from my marriage, then I will never get to fully give myself to my spouse. My marriage will not be as satisfying and I will miss out on the richness God intended for my spouse and I to experience in our marriage.
Romans 2:16
And this is the message I proclaim—that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life.
I can keep a secret life now. I can manage it and protect it. And then on judgment day I can receive judgment from a God that warned me of this coming day far in advance. Or, I can allow my private life to not be so private. I can experience openness and transparency in a way that allows me the freedom to not live a life of secrecy or shame. Marriage could be a beautiful way for us to be able to stand before God one day with a clear conscious. We can allow the oneness of our marriage to help us be a person of integrity, honesty, and respectability. Then, when this day of judgment comes, there will be nothing about a secret life of mine to judge.
Father God, I don’t want to have a secret life. I am seeing more and more how you designed marriage not just for my pleasure, but for my well-being and for my spouse’s well-being. I want my marriage to really reflect that we are one, not two. Please help me to be open and honest about every part of my life with my spouse. This is not an invasion of privacy to me, this is the opportunity for me to experience a life of freedom from hiding and shame. Please give me the grace to approach this topic with my spouse in way that can be received well and that we can be on the same page about it. I want intimacy in my marriage and I want to experience the fullness of us truly being one.
If your spouse and you have not had complete openness in your marriage before, this may seem a little intimidating. However, having that first conversation about having a transparent marriage could open you up to a whole new world of intimacy you never dreamed was possible.
The best teaching I have personally heard on this is “Guardrails” by Andy Stanley. My husband and I listened to this podcast together and Andy lays out such solid, practical advice on this subject. If you have a podcast app on your phone, I highly recommend listening to this series. And then listening to it again! :-) Or, you can pull it up on your laptop and watch the series together this week with your spouse on your couch or in bed :-). You can watch or listen to it at: http://northpoint.org/messages/guardrails
This is a story about a good, Christian marriage that was taken off guard by the opportunities social media provided: How Facebook Almost Destroyed My Marriage: http://unveiledwife.com/how-facebook-almost-destroyed-my-marriage/
I am providing a few guidelines for openness in marriage that I found and really resonated with, and then I will provide some links where I got them from if you would like to study more on it.
Facebook is now cited in 1 out of every 5 divorces in the United States. Author and Pastor Matt Chandler says, “To be 99% known is to be unknown.” It’s true. That 1% could be your downfall." Here are some pointers for having openness with social media in a marriage:
Does she know your passwords?
Make sure that your wife has access to all of your online profiles. Let her know that she is free to log in at any time to see what’s going on. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be trusted. This means that transparency reigns in your relationship.
Keep it Public.
Things get dangerous when you start engaging in private messages. If you’re going to use Facebook or Twitter to communicate, try to keep it out in the open and not through Facebook Messages or Twitter Direct Messages. Especially when talking with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t your spouse!
Be prepared and Have a Plan in Place.
You can control the way you use the Internet and specifically social networks. However, we can’t control the way others use it. Make sure to have a Family Plan in place for when potential temptations come “knocking on your door.” Maybe it’s an old girlfriend, a co-worker, or just an acquaintance trying to contact you. Will you try to hide it from your wife and pretend like it never happened or will you bring it out in the open and discuss how you as a family will respond together in unity?
http://www.allprodad.com/blog/2012/06/29/facebook-divorce-and-boundaries-in-marriage/
NEVER hide things from your spouse on Facebook. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a 1000 more times, openness and honestly is the glue of your marriage. When you start hiding friendships, conversations, chat sessions and comments from your spouse, THAT IS UNHEALTHY. If you’re not allowing your spouse to know what you’re doing on Facebook or online, that’s a sign that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. Cheating on your spouse online is JUST AS WRONG as physically cheating on your spouse.
Share your Facebook password with your spouse. I share every password with Lea … from my Facebook account to every email address I have. Why would I want to do that? It’s called trust, and it’s also called accountability. Knowing my wife can open my laptop at anytime and read anything I’m doing, or see any place I’ve gone, keeps me accountable. 9 times out of 10 I don’t even sign out of Facebook, so I know when Lea gets on the computer she can see anything she wants. It’s very healthy. Don’t hide things from your spouse. Make sure you regularly tell them, “You are welcome to see what I’m doing anytime.”
NEVER EVER EVER befriend anyone of the opposite sex that your spouse is uncomfortable with. SERIOUSLY, befriending an old boyfriend or girlfriend should NEVER be done without fully discussing it with your spouse. AND, ff they are even in the slightest way uncomfortable with you befriending anyone of the opposite sex … don’t do it. Don’t search for old boyfriends and girlfriends. Simple communication with your spouse about this is best.
Defriend anyone who crosses normal boundaries. If someone is saying things, doing things or asking questions online that make you uncomfortable OR would make you uncomfortable in person, then that’s not a good sign. Listen to the little voice in your head. If something tells you “this isn’t right,” then it’s probably not. Never be ashamed or afraid to defriend someone that may have ulterior motives. You marriage relationship is your #1 concern, not the feelings of an old Jr. High flame.
http://treymorgan.net/facebook-rules-for-married-couples/
Either partner should be able to say, “I’m not okay with that activity,” and have that statement respected and not fought.
A wife may think it’s not a temptation for her to be Facebook friends with her high school boyfriend, but if her husband is uncomfortable, it is a problematic issue for the marriage. One spouse may see danger ahead that the other does not. Even if a spouse is overly sensitive, protecting shared intimacy and trust should be the bottom line.
What boundaries might be set within a relationship?
· Unfriend and block anyone who is a temptation. Old flames are likely to fall into this category.
· Move a computer so that the screen is visible to both partners.
· Chat and browser windows should not be minimized when a spouse walks by. Other than surprises planned for one’s partner, such as gifts, all online activity should be open to a spouse.
· Many people are tempted when chatting online late at night, when their spouse is not home, or after several hours of surfing the Internet. Consider setting time limitations on Internet use.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/03/20/are-social-networking-sites-destroying-your-marriage-5-tips-to-protect-your-partnership/
Share your username and password with one another. Transparency is crucial to ensure trust in a committed relationship. Exchanging login information provides accountability and emotional security for both of you.
Create boundaries. A great boundary to start with is to agree not to have private chats with members of the opposite sex. Emotional affairs have three main ingredients: secrecy, chemistry and intimacy. Chatting provides a perfect environment for the three ingredients to mix together and create a situation that supposedly “just happened”.
Be prepared to talk offline about online issues. What happens on Facebook doesn’t stay on Facebook. Facebook can and will trigger issues and conversations between you and your spouse. Deal with hurt feelings or concerns in the privacy of your own home.
Update each other on your Facebook friends and friend requests. Many of your Facebook friends have a story attached to them. Don’t assume your spouse knows how you know them; spend time sharing their story with your mate. Don’t friend exes, old flames, past flings, former crushes or anyone you’ve been intimate with in the past. What starts as an innocent, “I wonder whatever happened to so-and-so” can lead to “I never meant for this to happen.”
http://powertochange.com/familylife/articles/marriage/dos-and-donts-for-facebook/
How can you protect your marriage from a workplace affair—or any affair? One word: boundaries. A common assumption is that loving marriages are immune to affairs. But research suggests that it’s not necessarily the strength of your love that protects you, but the strength of your boundaries.
The boundary that usually falls first is the “shared secret.” You may feel an attraction toward a workmate. However, not until you “share your secret” do you break the boundary. A boundary-breaker may be a flirtatious touch. An e-mail with a double meaning. An overly personal compliment. If the other person responds in kind and neither of you tells your spouse, you give each other a silent signal that your feelings are mutual and the secret is safe. Like a spark igniting fuel in an engine, a shared secret revs up a relationship and begins the affair.
So, don’t cross the “shared secret” boundary. If you sense that a coworker is testing that boundary, immediately tell your spouse. Exposing the secret immediately defuses it . . . and builds trust.
http://www.insight.org/resources/articles/marriage/protecting-marriage.html?t=mens-purity